If there is one feeling I am most comfortable with, and which I remember and know most closely since I was a kid, it is loneliness. Not always with its negative connotations, but as a natural feeling, a constant state of solitude.
This feeling almost has a smell and a taste in my mind as I think about my past. I remember being alone in my room, doing my own thing, exploring my thoughts. How I was not understood by others, from my actions to my thoughts. From having different wants and needs compared to my peers, to the way I expressed myself.
I was loved, I was hugged, and I was around great people and family. I felt happiness and I laughed. I felt closeness and warmth. And yet, my existence in this world was always accompanied by a slight feeling of loneliness.
And I appreciate this feeling, as it made me human. Loneliness brought me my closest friends and most meaningful experiences. It introduced me to the depths of knowledge in the world, and gifted me with the curiosity to explore it. It drove and drives me to build, to chase, to try. It made me seek love, and to try again and again, regardless of the pain.
Loneliness might not be the right word to describe what I am trying to convey, nor is solitude sufficient. But what I argue is that this “thing” is at the core of our free will, and the base of our civilization. And I will try to elaborate.
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Loneliness is the essence of the human experience—it is what made our civilization.
You strive to construct a world around yourself— you seek connections and belonging through relationships, family, and friendships. You pursue love, spirituality, curiosity, and passions from the arts to science. You read, create art, write poems, compose music, and tell stories.
And our world as a whole, built by many humans, is not different. Institutions—old and new—are created to impose meaning on our lonely existence on this big, floating rock. God and religion, countries, nations, and governments.
When you go outside, or even explore your own mind—all you see is an endless effort to fight our lonely existence, both as individuals and as a species.
"It is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18)
...Thus, he builds a world around him.
Just because I deeply know loneliness, I am using all my energy to escape it.
—
Adam